Boundaries

I suspect that one of the causes of my cancer was my unhealthy relationship with my mother. Although I had placed a barrier of physical distance between us, I hadn’t been able to erect an emotional barrier to protect me from the routine arrows of criticism that she shot in my direction. No matter what I did, it was never enough. I was never enough. I tried to forgive her. I tried to relate to her as an adult. I prayed about our interactions. I read books about mother/daughter relationships. I elicited prayer from others. But nothing seemed to help. Not until I one day heard about a specific book that struck an immediate chord with me, resonating deeply into my pit of lost nurturance. As I read Lindsay Gibson’s Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, I realized that both of my parents were unable to have a deep relationship. I could stop trying to get mom to see her flaws, because she never would be able to see anything wrong in herself, although she was excellent at pointing out the flaws in others. I also needed to stop seeking depth in answers from my mother; her skillset is avoidance, deflection, and redirection, all of which are the opposite of depth. My mother defines relationship as control: she seeks to control via criticism, collecting information she can judge you with and use against you. Contact with her is emotionally exhausting: when she asks a question, I mentally extrapolate how she will use the answer against me before I decide what information I’m willing to share in my response.

As relationship researcher Brené Brown indicated, “Empathy without boundaries is self-destruction.” Toxic people operate in patterns: manipulation, blame-shifting, and inability to take responsibility. Her most important piece of advice was that they won’t change, so you must. And the way to do that was to stop engaging. I needed to stop trying or expecting my parents to change. And, I came to realize, forgiveness was not the solution. I could forgive mom until the cows came home, but that wouldn’t protect me from her continuous arrows of rejection. God showed me that instead of focusing on mom’s flaws, I needed to focus on my own. I had my own collection of character foibles to fix, including the criticism I’d learned by watching my parents. Luke 6:42 says, “How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” I prayed that God would convict me of my flaws, and I attempted to step outside of conversations with my parents, watching them respond and carefully choosing when to engage. It might not heal the relationship, but it was a step in the right direction. Check out my list of favorite resources if you’d like to investigate taking a step in the right direction, too.