Fear is a Liar

My hysterectomy occurred October 4, 2022. While waiting for the pathology report, I focused on healing from surgery rather than the status of the 10-pound mass that had been removed from my abdomen. I postponed fear because I didn’t have a confirmed diagnosis and my oncologist, Dr. A, had been so positive at my first appointment.

Initially, I wouldn’t allow my husband to use the word cancer. I’m not sure if I was afraid that we would speak into existence, if I just wanted to wait for the pathology report, or if I knew God was in control and I didn’t need to worry about it. Whatever it was, we now had the final report and knew for sure. I had cancer. Dr. A called on October 10 with my diagnosis. I held my fear in check until my follow-up appointment on October 17 when I would learn more about treatment. That day, my oncologist told us that chemotherapy was the only thing that would help, that the 5-year survival rate for ovarian cancer patients was 50%, and that she could keep my cancer in remission for a long time.

But just three months later, only halfway through the supposedly-helpful chemotherapy regimen she’d prescribed, my trusted oncologist reversed course and pronounced a petrifying prognosis of imminent recurrence. Like an amusement park roller coaster that spiked and spun, my emotions ascended, dropped, and sometimes whirled throughout my cancer journey. Sometimes I was confident and other times I wallowed in fear. This was a wallowing season. As my author friend Jeramie Tarr wrote, Fear turned could into would. It lied to me, saying that something uncertain would definitely happen, that my cancer would recur. I had to claw my way out of the hole of hopelessness that Dr. A cast me into. And when I did, I vowed not to ever let anyone put me back into that pit of fear ever again. Dr. A didn’t have a crystal ball. She knew what the statistics predicted, but she did not know my future. Only God knows the outcome of my journey. If you’d like to turn your fear into positive action, see my list of lifestyle changes and favorite resources.